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Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

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Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

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Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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Groovy Greeks, brainy
sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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Gory stories, we do that
And your host, a talking rat

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The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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Horrible Histories.

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MALE CHORAL SINGING

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- Could you pass me the ink pot, please, Brother Terry.
- Shh!

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- Thank you very much indeed.
- SHHH!

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AAAARGH!

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SHHH!

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Sorry.

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ALL SHOUT IN ATTACK

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- Whoa, you don't want to do that!
- Give me one good reason why.

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- I'm writing a history book about our island monastery.
- A history book?!

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Er, drilling.

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- Boredom!
- Actually, it's very important.

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This book is going to
be handed down for generations.

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If you kill me now no-one
will know of your heroic exploits.

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- You want to be famous, don't you?
- Yeah... - You're Eric, right?

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That's just not going to cut it.
How about, "Eric The Fierce..." Yeah?

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- Like it.
- "..Tore into the monk's room, over six feet tall."

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That's good!

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- Write about my biceps.
- All right.

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"Rippling biceps..."

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- Do me, do some stuff about me.
- "Swiftly followed by..."

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- Olaf The Terrifying, I think.
- "..Olaf The Terrifying.

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"Also six foot tall."

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- Er, make, make me bigger, put seven foot.
- What?!

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That's not true, he's clearly not seven foot.

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He is now, cos I've just written
it down in the history book, mate.

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All right, write, "Eric The
Fierce killed the most monks."

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- Well, that's not true either.
- Oh...well, it might be.

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- Did he get that last bit down?
- Erm...

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Who am I kidding? Vikings can't read.

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- Some lovely pictures though, look at that!
- Oh, look at the little bunny.

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It's true. Vikings didn't
write things down, so much of what

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we know about famous Viking warriors
comes from books written by monks.

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Monks were the only people
who could read and write

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which also meant that
were highly prized as slaves.

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Hi there, we've just come
back from a Viking raid where

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we nicked loads of monks,
which is great news for you

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if you're looking for a nice,
well-behaved monk slave because...

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We sell any monk Any, any, any, any, any monk

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We sell any monk

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Fat ones, slim ones Bright ones, dim ones

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We sell any monk.

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Yes, and you can use your monk
slave for all sorts of everyday chores,

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such as wall building to manure spreading,

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from peat digging to manure
spreading, and don't forget...

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We sell any monk Any, any, any, any, any monk

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We sell any monk

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One to read, one to
write Not much good in a fight

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We sell any monk.

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Based in the new Viking city of Dublin,

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our market place offers an extensive
range of top quality monk slaves

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from Scotland, Ireland and Cornwall and we sell

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to satisfied customers all over
Europe and as far away as Italy.

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We sell any monk Any, any, any, any, any monk.

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Nice ones, grim ones,
Chopped off a limb ones.

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Aa-oww!

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Sorry.

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We sell any monk, any size,
any age, any look, any price

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from five silver coins to
a big gold plate, we sell any monk.

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And cut!

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Aw!

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Erm, I meant, "That's a wrap."

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Oh! Sorry.

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No, I don't know why your dog can't dance...

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Because he's got two left feet.
All dogs have two left feet.

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Is this some kind of joke?

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- Good day to you, madam.
- Hello, how can I help you?

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I require a dozen pigeons.

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Right, not a problem, any particular type?

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I care not, but could you break
their wings so they can't fly,

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makes them an awful lot easier to shoot!

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HE IMITATES GUNFIRE

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Look, I sell pets, I don't hurt them first.

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Shame, as I also require a dog.

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To cook it, I suppose, for some
horrible Victorian dinner party.

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How dare you, I assure you the
dog would be very well looked after.

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All right then, fine.

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After all, it would need to be in peak condition

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to fight a box of rats for money.

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- Oh, and I need a box of rats.
- No.

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Fine!

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I don't suppose you have
a bear whose face I could shave

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so I could sell it to a
fairground as a pig-faced lady?

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No pigeons, no dogs, no
rats, no pig-faced lady bears.

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Do you stock anything?

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Hello, sir.

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Good day, madam, I require a...

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Get out! I've had enough trouble.

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I'm not selling any more animals
to Victorians to be mistreated.

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How dare you?! I am the second Baron Rothschild,

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I am famous for my GOOD treatment of animals.

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Am I not the man whose carriage
is drawn by four much-loved Zebras?

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Who shares his supper with 12 pet chimpanzees?

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Who allows snakes free run
of his ornamental staircase?

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Well, in which case, what can I get you?

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Do you have a bear that slaps ladies' bottoms?

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No. But I do have a frog...

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- Interesting creature.
- ..That slaps Victorians' faces!

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How dare you, madam?

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Go on, get out the pair of you.

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I have never been so insulted
by a woman with a frog!

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Get out.

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I have once.

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The second Baron Rothschild's mansion

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really did feature pet chimps,

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a bear who slapped ladies bottoms,
snakes around the banisters

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and a carriage pulled by zebras.

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"Oh, see you later, darling,
I'm just off to the zoo.

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"Oh, hold on, I already live in the zoo!"

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HE LAUGHS

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Of course, most Victorian
carriages were pulled by horses

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and that had its own problems.

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'The Victorian traffic report now.
Here's Abigail Tightcorset.'

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It's bad news, I'm afraid, if you're
planning to travel in London today

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as road conditions are very hazardous.

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It's the 1890s and the narrow
streets of the city are packed

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with buses and cabs, all
of which are pulled by horses,

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so you can expect to see
massive pile-ups of horse dung

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here, here and here.

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In fact, hundreds of tons of horse dung

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will pour all over the streets
of London over the next 24 hours

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leading to very slippery conditions
underfoot, so please do be careful.

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The authorities are doing what
they can to clear up the situation

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and you should be seeing young boys,

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all over the city shovelling up that horse poo.

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You should see them as
they'll be wearing red jumpers,

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so they'll be easy to
spot and won't get run over.

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I say red, but by now, those
jumpers are going to be brown

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or reddy-brown, at least.

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There are reports of an overflowing
sewer on Regent Street,

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so at least that road will be a bit cleaner now.

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Good night.

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Our Tudor money system was very complicated,

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very, very complicated indeed.

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- Hello!
- Hi, mate.

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- IN A FRENCH ACCENT:
- I'd like to buy some English money.

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- Oh, straight off the boat are we?
- How can you tell?

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Oh, it's a gift.

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Right, how many sovereigns,
pounds, crowns, shillings,

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angels, farthings, groats
and pennies would you like, sir?

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- Pardon?
- It's simple, you got your penny, halfpenny,

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your farthing - a quarter of a penny.
Four pennies is a groat.

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- A goat?
- A groat.

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Two pennies is half a groat,
12 pennies is a shilling.

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So six pennies is half a shilling, no?

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No, six pennies is sixpence, obviously.
Or three half groats.

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- Now, this is your half crown.
- Which is two shillings?

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No, it's two shillings and sixpence.
Or a quarter angel,

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which is a 120 pennies,
which is ten shillings, yeah?

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Half an angel, that's
60 pennies, which is a crown,

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which is five shillings.

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- Now, ten shillings...
- Is an angel? - No, it's half a pound.

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- A pound?
- No, half a pound, it's also an angel, yeah,

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but it's 120 pennies,
which is half of 240 pennies

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which is a pound. It's also 20 shillings.

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It's simple, I don't know what the problem is.

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- OK, well, I will take, um, 30 shillings.
- Right.

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- There you go.
- What, what is that?

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It's a sovereign. It's worth 30 shillings.

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- Er, I, er...
- Do you want me to go over it again?

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- Oui, I think that would be best.
- Right...

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Did you know, decimalised money -

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where you count in tens and hundreds -

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didn't come to Britain until 1971?

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I wouldn't like to do the sums for
Tudor money, maths is not my thirte.

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Oh, I mean forte. Ha-ha!

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Yes, there were lots of weird Tudor coins

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and lots of weird Tudor laws, as well.

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- Sir William is here to see you, Your Majesty.
- Then send him in.

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Enter!

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- Good day to you, Your Majesty.
- Guard! Arrest this man.

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On what charge?

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- Not wearing a woolly hat.
- You're not wearing a woolly hat.

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Of course I'm not wearing
a woolly hat, they look ridiculous.

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I have passed a law that everybody
should wear woolly hats on Sundays.

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It is to support the English wool trade.

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I happen to have a spare, my lady.

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Ta-dah.

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Oh, Cecil, what would we do without you?

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00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:08,319
- I'll start again. Good day to you, Your Majesty.
- Guard! - What now?

189
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,159
- Arrest this man.
- On what charge? - Wearing a cloak.

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00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:17,199
- You're wearing a cloak.
- Yes, I'm wearing a clock, it's cold.

191
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,839
I have passed a law banning
cloaks, so that my courtiers

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00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,360
can reach their swords quicker,
should anyone wish to attack me.

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00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,199
Is everybody happy now?

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00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,600
- Good day to you.
- Guard! - Odds bodkins!

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00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,079
- Arrest this man.
- On what charge?

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00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,799
- Wearing purple.
- I thought it was rather fetching.

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00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,719
I have passed a law stating
that purple cloth or any other cloth

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00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:50,879
embroidered with gold or silver
can only be worn by Barons, Viscounts

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00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,239
or higher nobility.

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00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:57,680
And you, SIR William are only a knight.

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Happy now?

202
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:06,079
Cecil, there appears to
be a naked man in my throne room.

203
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,639
- There does indeed, Your Majesty.
- Is there a law against it?

204
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,000
Not yet, Your Majesty, not yet.

205
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,079
Hello and welcome to Aztec Gardeners World.

206
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,879
So today we're going to
be showing you a sure-fire way

207
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,039
to make your crops flourish
with the Aztec sprinkler system.

208
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,559
Sounds boring if you ask me!

209
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,559
Yeah, but nobody asked you though, did they?

210
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,559
So we're going to need some tools. HE YAWNS

211
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:45,839
- You need a bow and plenty of arrows.
- Oh, that's more like it.

212
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,679
We're going to need some red paint

213
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,199
and of course, a person to sacrifice.

214
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,759
An enemy warrior is best,
but an annoying assistant will do.

215
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,199
You're kidding... You're kidding, right?

216
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,279
So, first of all,

217
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:03,759
you need to paint a nice, big,
red spot directly over his heart.

218
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,039
OK...

219
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,839
This is important because you
don't want an arrow to hit his heart.

220
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,039
Right!

221
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,839
That way, he would die far too quickly.

222
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,519
What you need is the first dozen or so arrows

223
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,319
to hit different parts of his body,

224
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:21,839
that way the blood from the wounds
will spray out in all directions,

225
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,879
a bit like an Aztec sprinkler system,

226
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,800
making the earth richer for your crops.

227
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,080
He's gone, hasn't he?

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00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,799
Join me next week when
I'll be telling you how to get

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00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,279
the sun to shine directly onto your garden

230
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:40,039
by sacrificing 10,000 people to the sun god.

231
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,559
We all know who's going to be first in line.

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00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,639
Bye-bye for now.

233
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:50,359
Angry Aztec priests would sacrifice
about 50,000 victims a year!

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00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,599
That's nothing - I can kill that
many fleas just by having a bath.

235
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,079
Ou-ou-ou-ouch! Just kidding,
guys, you know I'd never have a wash!

236
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,959
Yes, those Aztecs did
an awful lot of sacrificing.

237
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,560
'Don't miss this year's must-
have board game, Aztec Whodunnit-o.

238
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,199
'See if you can work who's
to blame for the murder.'

239
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,239
Was it the high priest,
with the sacrificial dagger,

240
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,239
on top of the pyramid?

241
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,759
Yes, it was!

242
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:17,959
Not over yet.

243
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,999
'With thousands of sacrifices
to the sun god every week,

244
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,879
'it's a game you can play again...'

245
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,719
Was it the high priest,
with the sacrificial dagger,

246
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:26,959
on top of the pyramid?

247
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,479
Yes, it was!

248
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,919
I'll go out on a limb
here - was it the high priest,

249
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,959
with the sacrificial dagger,
on top of the pyramid?

250
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,799
- Yes, it was.
- Get in!

251
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,039
- Come on, Mum.
- Come on, Linda.

252
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,679
OK, don't hurry me.

253
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:46,239
Was it the emperor, with
the club, in the throne room?

254
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,119
No, it was the...

255
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:53,839
ALL: High priest, with the sacrificial
dagger, on top of the pyramid!

256
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,439
Silly mummy.

257
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,239
'Aztec Whodunnit-o. Hours
of gruesome fun for all the family.

258
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,760
'Available while the Aztec Empire lasts.'

259
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,119
We're Aztec priests So mind your head.

260
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,439
Our prisoners always wind up
dead Our favourite colour is blood-red

261
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,119
We're not nice

262
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,359
At an Aztec temple's opening day

263
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,679
We priests would please Our gods this way

264
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,679
Hearts of venom means we'd slay Mass sacrifice

265
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,079
To win at war, may crops grow more

266
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,999
To cure our kids when ill

267
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,239
The sun to shine This song to rhyme

268
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,239
More victims we must kill

269
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,599
Ha, ha, ha, ha

270
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,799
You won't survive You won't survive

271
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,799
Ha, ha, ha, ha

272
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,119
Ain't stayin' alive Ain't stayin' alive

273
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,959
Yeah

274
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,119
We'll sacrifice We priests appease

275
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,399
Our gods each powerful big cheese

276
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,559
Let's hear it for your Favourites please

277
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,639
Ahh-ahhh

278
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,759
We're doing it for Toci

279
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,919
The Aztec goddess of the earth's heart

280
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,279
We're doing it for Chantico

281
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,279
Goddess who makes volcanoes start

282
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,239
We're doing it for Itzli

283
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,679
The goddess of stone knives

284
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,719
We're doing it for...

285
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,799
THEY SING GARBLED NAMES

286
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,079
Some other gods great lives

287
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,879
Ha, ha, ha, ha

288
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,239
Don't cross us Aztecs we advise ya

289
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,199
Ha, ha, ha, ha

290
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,839
Or you'll end up as fertiliser

291
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,239
Yeah

292
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,879
Our year starts in November

293
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,039
When every priestly member

294
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,719
Is asked if they'll remember

295
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,919
Our Aztec dead

296
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,959
We do this if you haven't guessed

297
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,999
By getting something off your chest

298
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:43,319
Your heart would probably
be best Or else your head

299
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,239
And then on our year planners

300
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,239
It's the raising of the banners

301
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,879
And it's only polite manners

302
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,279
To kill more guys

303
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:56,439
December and January Dismembering methods vary

304
00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,519
All you need to know Is that we pile 'em high

305
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:04,959
May and June it's summertime
The killing is easy

306
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,879
It's only halfway through the year

307
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,879
Bet your feeling queasy

308
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:13,399
In autumn time we sweep our
homes And kill some more but then

309
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:18,079
By late October the killings
over Then it starts up again

310
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,839
Ha, ha, ha, ha

311
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,839
You won't survive You won't survive

312
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,839
Ha, ha, ha, ha

313
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,479
Ain't stayin' alive Ain't stayin' alive

314
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,279
Ha, ha, ha, ha

315
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,319
Want to live until you're old

316
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,359
Ha, ha, ha, ha

317
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,240
Avoid us priests You've been told.

318
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,799
Not all of the troops fighting
in the trenches in World War One

319
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,760
were quite what you'd expect.

320
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:52,319
Sergeant, I thought I'd make a quick
spot inspection while it's, erm...

321
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:56,479
Nice and safe while the
enemy aren't shooting at us, sir?

322
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,519
Well, yes. I thought I'd take
a look at our frontline troops.

323
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,079
British fighting man's the best in the world!

324
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:06,599
Yes, indeed, sir. Well, the,
erm, MEN are ready for you, sir.

325
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,120
Oh, very good.

326
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,880
Attention!

327
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,559
Sergeant, they appear to be women and a boy.

328
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,399
Yes, sir, but only physically sir.
Legally they're men.

329
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,159
I've seen their sign-up papers.

330
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,919
They all clearly lied when they signed up, then.

331
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,159
I mean, this one here's practically a child.

332
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:33,239
According to his papers he's
36 and married with three children.

333
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:37,719
Let's face it, the British army's
so desperate we'll let anyone in.

334
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,839
Well, what happens when a great
strapping German division attacks?

335
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,160
We're about to find out,
sir, they're in the trench.

336
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,279
Here they come.

337
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,759
What on earth is going on, sergeant?

338
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:55,159
It seems the Germans have a similar situation,

339
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,240
their army's packed full of pensioners.

340
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,919
I think he died of old age.

341
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,479
Well, keep up the good work.
Carry on men...women, boys.

342
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,600
That's the spirit, sir.

343
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,080
The answer is C...

344
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,479
..and lice weren't the only problem

345
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,039
in the trenches.

346
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:41,199
HHTV games presents, the ultimate
World War One trench experience,

347
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,439
Splat That Rat.

348
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,239
Your trench is infested
with rats, carrying disease

349
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,519
and stealing your food.

350
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,439
It's time to Splat That Rat.

351
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:53,719
'Level one. Select bait - processed meat, cheese,

352
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,879
'manky old stale bread.

353
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,159
'Manky old stale bread selected.

354
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,399
'Level one. Weapon - spade.
Bonus gadget - torch.'

355
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,559
It's night. Scatter bait
on the ground and wait till

356
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,279
you hear the rats arrive, then
turn on the torch and Splat That Rat.

357
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,240
Gotcha!

358
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,719
Oh, that's my foot!

359
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,319
'Level two. Bonus weapon - cordite explosive.'

360
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,079
This time you have to smoke 'em out.

361
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,599
Put the cordite at the entrance
to the rat hole and light it.

362
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,679
The smoke will drive out
those rats so you can splat 'em.

363
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,919
'Warning - do not use too much cordite.'

364
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,199
Now she tells me.

365
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,959
'Level three. Select bait - cheese selected.

366
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,879
'Level three. Weapon - rifle.
Bonus weapon - bayonet.'

367
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,679
Place the bayonet on the end of your rifle,

368
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,879
put the cheese on the end of the bayonet,

369
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,439
then wait till a rat begins
to nibble on the cheese

370
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,039
and pull the trigger.

371
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,079
'Warning, make sure rifle
isn't aimed at fellow soldier.'

372
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,799
ARGH! That's my foot!

373
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,279
Sorry.

374
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,079
Right stop this sketch, stop the sketch!

375
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,359
That's huge!

376
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,719
Honestly, who wants to hear
how they killed rats in the trenches?

377
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,279
You might well run away!

378
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,159
A line of decency has most
definitely been crossed here,

379
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,359
if there's any more nonsense like this,

380
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,559
I shall be writing a stiff letter
of complaint to the Daily Mail!

381
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,040
You know I will. You know I will!

382
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,719
In today's busy Roman Empire,

383
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,359
nothing is more important than staying in touch,

384
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,040
which is why you need...

385
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,879
Tabellarii Messenger, da-
da-da-da, what is your message?

386
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:41,799
"Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R smiley face."

387
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:46,359
"Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R smiley face."

388
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,799
Perfect. Send.

389
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,519
Our unique network of straight
roads reaching around the Roman Empire,

390
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,319
means with Tabellarii it's never
been quicker to connect with people.

391
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,279
Tabellarii Messenger, da-da-da-da.

392
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:05,279
Message reads, "Hi Hels
my BFF TLK L8R smiley face."

393
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,599
Reply with, "GR8."

394
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,599
- Is that it?
- Yeah, send.

395
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,879
So whether it's business...

396
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:17,239
"Enemy's approaching. Send help.
Send reinforcements." Send!

397
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,799
..or just a friendly chat.

398
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,719
"OMG YG2BK winking smiley..."

399
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,959
The Tabellarii are always
there at the bargain price

400
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,039
of a little food and water
a month for unlimited messages.

401
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,879
Tabellarius!

402
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,439
Tabellarius!

403
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:36,439
And like all slaves, the Tabellarii
come with a lifelong contract.

404
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,239
Oh, no! Heart attack, sad face.

405
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,199
Which expires once you've worked them to death.

406
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,359
Oh, no. I think he's run out of juice.

407
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,679
Who are you?

408
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,760
- Bing-bong-bung-bing, free upgrade.
- Smiley face.

409
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,159
As well as our sophisticated
Tabellarii messaging system,

410
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:01,119
us Romans were also hot on security.

411
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,960
So to help keep the peace, the
gates of Rome were heavily guarded.

412
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,959
Stop looking so nervous, you'll
draw attention to yourself.

413
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,439
Easy for you to say, you're
not smuggling weapons into the city.

414
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,759
We've got to get them in there somehow.

415
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,359
How else will we overthrow the Emperor?

416
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,159
If they catch me they'll kill me.

417
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:24,039
Listen, you'll be fine, no-one's
going to know you're a soldier,

418
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,159
the guards won't give you a second look.

419
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,480
- Now, are you ready?
- No. - Good lad.

420
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,879
Spot check, sir.

421
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,279
- Sorry?
- Spot check, Emperor Constantine's orders.

422
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,439
Some dangerous elements
are attempting to gain entry

423
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:47,239
to the great city of Rome,
so we're doing a few random checks.

424
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,719
- You don't mind if I look in the bag, sir?
- Erm, actually...

425
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:55,319
- It won't take a moment.
- HE WHISTLES

426
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,799
Hello, what have we here? Swords?

427
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,199
I can explain.

428
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:04,239
- Spear tips!
- Yeah, about those. - And daggers as well.

429
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:05,759
It's not what it looks like.

430
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:09,879
You're not, by any chance,
in the army, are we, sir?

431
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,840
No, honestly, I'm not.

432
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:16,639
- Well, that's all right then.
- What? - That's all right.

433
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,799
As long as you're not in the
army, no armed soldiers are allowed

434
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:23,519
inside the city walls in case
they start a military rebellion,

435
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,399
last thing we want is the
Emperor being overthrown, eh?

436
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:27,879
HE LAUGHS

437
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,919
So I'm guessing this lot is,

438
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,279
what is that, like self-defence or something?

439
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:33,599
Yeah, self-defence.

440
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,079
Well, you can be on your way,
unless you've anything else to declare?

441
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,440
No, no, just these offensive weapons.

442
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,639
Unless I'm supposed to declare my lunch?

443
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,999
Oh, don't tempt me sir,

444
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,919
on a long shift like this
I would murder a chicken leg.

445
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,919
- Can't help you there, all I've got is this sausage.
- Sausage!

446
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,279
- You're under arrest, traitor.
- What?!

447
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,119
Trying to bring sausages
into a civilised city like Rome

448
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,959
is strictly forbidden
by Emperor Constantine himself!

449
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,679
That is food of the barbarians, it is beneath us.

450
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,919
Falco, take this sausage smuggler
away and put him in a cell.

451
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,959
Wait, wait, it's not really a sausage,

452
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:13,399
it's more of a frankfurter. Think
of it as a tubular burger. Please!

453
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,279
It's true! Weapons were allowed
to be carried by body guards,

454
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,119
so they could be taken into Rome.

455
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:23,759
But sometimes sausages were banned!
It was believed this barbarian food

456
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:27,839
would turn civilised
Romans into hairy barbarians.

457
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,040
Not that there's anything wrong with being hairy.

458
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,839
It's day one of Medieval Come Dine With Me

459
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:44,679
and wealthy castlewife, Lady Cranky
Portcullis is finishing her banquet.

460
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,279
Right, I've gone for the
classic meat and two meats,

461
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,679
lamb, beef and hedgehog.

462
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,399
Hm, hm, hm, meaty! There's just one problem.

463
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,439
It's not Friday today, is it?

464
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:56,799
Doh!

465
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,519
We can't eat meat on a Friday,
the church has banned it.

466
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,680
Huh, silly, silly me!

467
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,999
Right, where can one get some
fresh fish at such short notice?

468
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,359
Oh, I know, the castle moat, huh.

469
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,999
A net should do it.

470
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,559
Most of the fish are floating
on the surface for some reason, anyway.

471
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:21,239
Come on Lady Cranky, the guests
will be here soon. Oh, they're here!

472
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,879
And first in is lowly peasant Cybil.

473
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,279
- Hello!
- Can I just say, I love your castle.

474
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,039
Oh! Oh! You've got an outdoor shower!

475
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,959
Oh! No, no, that'll be one of the guards

476
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,959
weeing from the battlements. Come on.

477
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,319
Next is Marcus, a student monk.

478
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,799
- Hello!
- Hello. H...

479
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:45,439
Oh, dear...have you just
broken your vow of silence? Oh.

480
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,360
Oh, that is disgusting, I, oh...

481
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:54,039
Last to arrive is Derek, who
commits the ultimate social faux pas,

482
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,079
of dying of the plague the
moment he steps through the door.

483
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,279
What an idiot.

484
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,479
Oh! Get him off me, oh!

485
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,679
Before dinner, Lady Cranky takes
Cybil on a tour of the castle.

486
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,479
And this is the guardrobe.

487
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,119
Oh, what's one of those?

488
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:13,519
Oh, every good castle has one,
it's a sort of walk-in wardrobe,

489
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:16,559
kitted out with a special
device to keep the moths away.

490
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:19,080
- A toilet.
- Do you mind?!

491
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,319
Oh, fancy.

492
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,359
Apparently, the moths can't
stand the smell so they keep away

493
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,439
and your clothes don't get nibbled.

494
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:30,679
Do you see, no more embarrassing holes.

495
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,839
No, just an embarrassing stink!

496
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,160
Right, bon appetit!

497
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,679
First impressions?

498
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,279
Well, it does look and smell a bit..

499
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,279
- ..pooey.
- This fish is fresh from our moat.

500
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,799
Yes, where it's been eating all
the sewage from the toilet, you numpty.

501
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,239
- Marcus.
- Yes?

502
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,240
Come on, say when.

503
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,679
When. When!

504
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:57,799
Good man!

505
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,320
Erm, when! WHEN!

506
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,319
Marcus, lost for words there.

507
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,759
Time for those all-important scores.

508
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,320
Well, I thought the food was...

509
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,319
It's a two from Marcus.

510
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,319
A nought from Cybil, which just leaves Derek.

511
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,279
It's a ten! Sort of.

512
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:25,399
Marcus the monk's turn tomorrow.
Hope everyone likes bread and water.

513
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,839
Tall tales, atrocious acts,
we gave You all the fearsome facts...

514
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,879
Want some more Horrible Histories?

515
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:32,959
Then come with me down the time sewers,

516
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,439
just go to the CBBC website
and click on Horrible Histories.

517
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,919
See you down there!

518
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,960
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

519
00:27:41,010 --> 00:27:45,560
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